Males on Sunday

The Mail on Sunday is not just the second best selling Sunday paper in the UK, a defender of conservatism with a small c but with a tinge of salacious gossip, it also runs a major (10 round) knock-out competition amongst golf clubs in Britain. Which we enter each year. The semi finals and finals are held somewhere exotic, the first few rounds somewhere local.

We had a bye in the first round, which was a result, and were drawn against Dunstanburgh at home for the second.

Here's the problem: how do you select a team? The club that won last year's competition made the decision to play their best golfers; but I think that’s a bit obvious. And almost cheating - although it obviously worked. I thought of putting up a list asking for volunteers; but there wasn't a lot of time. So I thought I'd pick people trying to get a mix of competitive ones, those on form and those that were good. (Plus myself: I couldn't really ask people to give up a Sunday morning without doing so as well). I'll leave you to judge which category Trevor Thompson, John Cairns, Stuart Archer and John Moffet fall into. (Initially I wondered about a team entirely composed of Johns but it turned out to be impractical; at least we were in a majority).

The day itself was pretty stressful; first, most of the other team turned up before 9.00 and our team didn’t completely arrive until 9.50. Bacon rolls kept Dunstanburgh quiet for only so long. Second, I'd picked myself and I was the worse golfer on the team. So I really didn't want to lose. Four-putting the 1st didn't help but learning Trevor was 6 up after 7 did. And then a few pars and a lot of shots worked wonders and as my putt for 5 net 4 eased in on the 15th I knew I couldn't lose. A stroke later I'd won. As did most of the others: we won 4-1, third round beckoning. Nine to go.

Social inclusion

The third mixed greensomes drew another decent group despite cold and slightly damp weather which got colder and dryer as the day wore on; this time we had slightly more women than men but Nicky's methodical and unbiased analysis split us into 3 groups, one a three ball sixsome. Or something.I was paired with Alison Lambert who showed that ladies continue to focus on quality golf when picking captains; fortunately the men are less fussy. But actually I was not too bad; so which of my shots would she talk about in the clubhouse? My perfect shot out of the bunker on the fifth, landing inches from the pin? The drive on the 9th (helped a little by the wind) stopping just short of the dip? No, it was the missed 10 inch putt on the 18th. Never mind, we were leaders in the clubhouse until the last group came in: but yet again, a married couple, John and Mel Downs, won it with a creditable 38 points. (David Cameron hasn't yet picked up on this as a reason for promoting marriage).
Saturday saw a real test of group dynamics. Usually, when it's bad weather people drift in having left their clubs in the car. They have a drink, a coffee and agree it would be stupid to go out. But then one or two people (usually from Belford) take their clubs out the car, suggest it would be wimpish not to play and the rest of us follow like sheep.

I'm proud to say that on Saturday I didn't. I watched three people tee off and then stayed indoors.

A Conundrum of Captains

What is the collective noun for a group of golf club captains? This came to mind as I went to the annual dinner of the Society of Northumberland Golf Captains (effectively, a past captains society so I went as a guest). Bamburgh has good connections: we have provided more captains of the society than any other club, the last being Ian Miller in 2009 (and last year's was Ian Patterson, although representing Alnmouth).

Over 270 past captains/captains were crowded into the room, an impressive sight if 270 captains impresses you. A web search suggests (for golfers generally) a shank, a divot, a bogey, a tedium, a sadness and a course. Other thoughts were a society, a flight, a desperation and a hazard. John Taylor suggested a pomposity; that remains my favourite.

The main speaker was Sandy Strang. I took many notes of his jokes for repetition at various friendlies - I was told no-one would recognise them because of the way I'd tell them. Our table added interest with a sweep on the length of the speech. Hugh Adair, in form, was closest to the 36 minute 42.9 seconds actual with 35 minutes.

Strang said he had written a book about "Council Golf": "How to hit a maxfli out of the rough.... After hitting a wilson off the tee."

The luck of the Draw

Successful golf brings together a number of skills: hand/eye co-ordination, muscle control, timing, judgement, concentration and so on. And even before you start the game, there’s other skills, perhaps the most important being the ability to draw cards properly.

I arrived on Saturday second only to Chris Hall, and fifteen arrivals later ended up choosing the groups by drawing the cards. We had a five-ball at the end; I drew myself, as well as the third and fourth people to arrive, in that last group out. That’s just inept. So I’ve found some useful sites about how to manipulate cards. Next time, I’ll be out first.

The golf? To mis-quote Sven, first half good, second half not so good (although with one birdie); John Porteus and Hugh Adair had 40 points but were beaten on countback by Malcolm Cresswell. Perhaps the best news of the day was that when I left the clubhouse Arsenal were 4-0 up at St James’ Park.